16

    Nov

  1. An open letter

    When does it go away for good? How deep do we have to reach to find true forgiveness and move on.  When does the phone stop ringing out of nowhere, bringing it all back, pain rushing into your heart, memories puncturing your lungs.  You want to hate so bad, but can’t, because even the smallest drop of love outweighs the biggest block of hate.  You want to stop putting yourself in the fire because you deserve better, yet you hold on to that little bit of love, maybe so you can get through the rest of your life with a glimmer of hope that maybe it was worth it.  You can’t explain yourself because you know it won’t help, you can’t love enough because no matter what you did you were told your love wasn’t right, or true, or unselfish, or simply good enough.  You grasp for hope, but the familiar feeling of complete helplessness comes back, and you remember why you left.  You can’t fix it, can’t make it go away, can’t erase the thoughts. You can only painfully accept.  You don’t care about the money, the material, the feeling of being used and kicked to the curb. You don’t care that you are back to square one.  You only wanted to be accepted, and more than ever just wanted your love to be embraced, because you know inside you gave it all, every ounce of heart and soul, and all you care about is that the person on the other end would see that, but they don’t, and most likely never will. They are in their own private hell, trapped without knowing, a prisoner of a distorted reality that isn’t their fault.  You listen to songs that make you cry, because strangely you feel better doing that. You pray, meditate, put everything you can out to the universe, asking for them to find peace, sometimes expecting an apology, but knowing that it will never come, because they haven’t done anything wrong in their eyes.  You go over it in your head, time and time again, asking, “what could I have done different”, and you realize that the answer is “nothing.”  There is nothing you could have done different because the sad, painful, bitter reality is that it had nothing to do with you. You look up and say “please make it go away,” and it does for a little bit, but it lingers.  You know you loved, truly loved, and with that comes the greatest risk you can take in life.  You gave your entire being, and found yourself denied.  You cry for the others involved, hoping, praying that they make it out okay. That they remember the love you shared. That they haven’t been poisoned with thoughts that aren’t true.  And you’re sorry that you can only see them in your dreams, crying for each other to come back.  There is beauty behind it all, you are sure of it, but it can’t be seen right now, and maybe thats okay.  You continue to love yourself, continue to see the blessing in the sun, clouds, trees, birds, your dog, your guitar, your paint brush, your new old car, your family, a stranger, LIFE.  And you deal with the pain because that is LIFE.  I loved and love you. Somewhere deep inside is a light. Find it for yourself.  Bless.

    ME

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